It happens against my will. It’s almost as if I get possessed. One minute I’m fine…the next I’m shooting daggers out of my eyes.
Usually, the first thing that I notice is people chewing their food noisily. At first, I’m able to control my twitchy eye. Breathing exercises work great. After that fails, though…all bets are off.
I drop little hints to those around me starting with that stare with the squinky eye. (Dear spellcheck…squinky IS a word…because I just made it up.) The offender usually senses this look…stops chewing for a moment, then says something like, “What?” to which I respond, “Oh…nothing…” hoping they get the hint. When that fails I go a little bit more passive-aggressive-aggressive.
Do those Funyuns taste good?!
I’m usually met with, “They sure do, want some?” I respectfully decline.
It will typically escalate from there. Here are ways that I will attempt to drown out or get them to stop:
- Turn on my music at my desk or turn on the TV.
- When that doesn’t work, I’ll turn up the volume so that I drown out that god-forsaken sound from my head.
- I remind myself that I love the person making this goddamned noise and sometimes that works…most of the time it does not.
- Slamming of dishes ensues.
- I will literally throw a fork onto my plate causing a scene making everyone nervous and occasionally they will leave the room.
- Heavy sighs work the best, I’ve found. And if you accompany the squinky eye and the stare-down, the offender knows you mean business.
- The final straw comes when I have had enough. Usually directed at my poor sweet husband or my BFF who both love me unconditionally and are the worst offenders. These two people love me DISPITE my shortcomings and weird quirks. I typically lose it completely.
The conversation will begin with the look. And my reactions exponentially get ballsy-er from there:
- Blank stare while simultaneously freezing in place causing a silence in my general direction that is immediately noticed and the sense of being watched rather intensely is completely palpable.
- They look in my direction, usually freezing in mid-chew. Let’s not forget, these people know me. They know exactly what this look means.
- They say, “What?” – I say, “I’m literally going to stab you and to go prison if you don’t figure out how to chew more softly.” They say, “I’m just eating.” – I say, “Fine! YOU EAT AND I’LL GO LOOK FOR A KNIFE!”
- They say, “You need to calm down.” – I say, “What would you like on your headstone? ‘Here lies Mr. Sassy, his wife murdered him because he wouldn’t chew softly and she fucking had had enough, already.'”*
In the end, I make my point. And a few days later, I feel really bad that I went so nutso about it – but SERIOUSLY.
* Don’t you fucking love it when you get to use “had had” in a sentence?! I do. Especially if it ends up on a head stone.