…those who like sushi…and those who don’t.
I’ve tried it once before. It wasn’t pretty then, so I decided it was time to give it a shot again.
I figured, “Hey, 20 years have passed. You’ve grown as a person. You’ve watched plenty of Food Network, Man vs. Food and Bizarre Foods…you’ve got this, yo! And besides…LOOK HOW PRETTY IT IS!!!!”
So, I started reasonably mild with a California Roll, which, let’s face it, isn’t real sushi. It’s a joke, really. Yeah, it’s rice and seaweed, but it’s mostly avocado and cooked crab. Childs play.
I’ve watched enough Food Network to know that you’re supposed to eat it with chopsticks, but first you’re supposed to dollop a little wasabi on the little morsel, OOOORRRRR, you get one of those little dishes of soy sauce and stir wasabi into it, making a slurry of wasabi soy and then in one swift movement, you shove the entire nugget o’ “sushi” into your piehole.
In my attempt to hang with the cool people and eat my “sushi”, I decided to forego the wasabi/wasabi slurry and just pour a small amount of soy sauce onto the very center of my piece of “sushi”.
If only that had actually happened…
I lifted the container of soy sauce, admiring the shiny chrome of the lid and how clean it is, I could almost see my reflection in it. I tilted the pretty glass container towards the middle of my little “sushi” nugget, I was really looking like an expert. I’m sure the friends I was with were suuuuper impressed (as long as they didn’t pay too close attention to the actual piece of “sushi” I had on my plate). And, as if by slow motion, I had what can only be described as an out of body experience.
As I tilted the jar of soy sauce, carefully aiming for the few drops of salty nectar to drop onto the center of my little nugget, an almost Niagra Falls worthy amount of soy sauce came rushing out of the spout. My brain was all, “NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!” I mean…the quantity of soy sauce now puddled in my plate vs. the quantity left in the bottle…it’s now about equal. And if you are part of the latter group of people, who *don’t* like Sushi and don’t know what this means? It basically means you’ve pretty much just ruined your sushi roll. But you know what I did? I decided I *meant* to do that, no one really saw what had just happened with the soy sauce jar, so I’m gonna just do it. I’m going for it. It’s only a mouthful of “sushi”…what the fuck could go wrong? You guys…SO MUCH CAN GO FUCKING WRONG!!!
I played off the waterfall of soy sauce I drowned my “sushi” in…I don’t think anyone noticed. And I do know better, but that didn’t stop me from stabbing my piece of “sushi” with a fork (YEP, a *fork*). I took a deep breath, shook off about 30 drops of soy sauce when no one was looking, said a little prayer, checked my level of intestinal fortitude…then I did it. I shoved the whole thing in my mouth. And I chewed.
I chewed and I chewed. I’m not sure if words can explain my feelings that were happening internally. It was a mixture of horror, desperation to get it chewed up into a small enough wad so that I could swallow it, Oscar-winning acting (hell, I may have even smiled and nodded as if I were actually following the conversation) and my brain screaming, “DON’T YOU DARE THROW UP! DO NOT FUCKING PUKE!”.
I managed to finally swallow. I gasped for air when it was all done. A swig of Coke and a wipe of my temple I exclaimed to my table mates, “Well, that settles it…I’m not a sushi person.”