Hello Sassyland, remember me? It’s Sassy. Apartment Manager Tales #26

Close your mouth, Sassyland. You’re not imagining things…it’s really me. I’m baaaaaaack….

This started as a Facebook rant, but then, I decided against it. And thus brings Sassy back to the old Sassyland Bloggity. I have so many stories to share with you. I should really just pace myself and ride the wave as far ashore as I can before I get lazy again.

So this phone call just happened:

Screwy Lady on the Phone: “Hi I’m looking for a one bedroom apartment.”
Me: “When are you hoping to move by?”
SLOTP: “Immediately.”
Me: “I do have a one bedroom available. Would you like to come by and take a look and fill out an application?”
SLOTP: “Yes! I’m waiting for a ride. What are your rental requirements?”
Me: “2 1/2 times income vs. rent, no evictions, no owing other landlords back rent, and we screen your credit and criminal history as well.”
SLOTP: “Well, I’m good on income, but I have an eviction.”
Me: “How long ago was the eviction?”
SLOTP: “I don’t know…I had brain surgery, so I can’t remember.”
Me: “Okay, so was it fairly recent or 20 years ago?”
SLOTP (having a rather clear headed response all of a sudden): “It was 4 years ago.”
Me: “Well, that’s pretty recent, we are instructed to not rent to anyone with an eviction on their record that is within the last 7 years.”
SLOTP: “I really need somewhere to live. I just need a second chance.”

At this point I was checked out and fairly certain this wasn’t going to end with me having an approved application.

That’s the thing. I get these people calling me and when we discuss the rental requirements for screening them, I disclose that I cannot approve an application if they have an eviction on their record or if they have a felony. I give them a chance to come clean EVERY TIME – but I guess they just think that it won’t come up! I mean………if you’re IN THE MIDDLE of an EVICTION? You fucking KNOW it. If you’ve BEEN evicted? You KNOW that, too! Your shit ends up on the fucking sidewalk…unless you move out before that step is taken. So yeah…I don’t feel too sorry for people.

This happened earlier this week…

A couple days ago I saw a familiar face walking towards my office and I had a flashback of the last time I saw this woman – which was about 2-3 months ago. It went a little something like this:

It was a crisp spring day. A woman and her daughter, smelling heavily of cigarettes, came into my office inquiring about a 2 bed/1 bath apartment. I happened to have one available so I proceeded to ask her if she was interested in taking a look. She agreed. She liked the apartment and her daughter liked the apartment. We got back to the office and all the typical questions we asked and all the typical answers were given. They walked away with applications and were told to return them ASAP with a money order for the screening fee. And they left.

The next day:

It was a crisp spring day. The same woman and her daughter came in, smelling heavily of cigarettes, with their filled out application and money order in hand. I re-iterated, as I typically do because people around here – for some reason – listen with their ASSES, that the rent was $845.00 and our owners pay garbage, but the resident is responsible for paying water/sewer which is about $55/month. And this is where she sort of lost it:

Cigarette Lady: “So rent is $900.00/month?”

Me: “No, rent is $845.00/month and your utility cost about $55/month.”

CL: “You should have just told me rent was $900.00/month in the beginning.”

Me: “I told you yesterday that the 2 bedroom/1 bathroom apartment is $845.00/month. And that your utilities for water/sewer were approximately $55.00/month and you’ll get a statement each month showing both of those charges. Rent is rent, utilities are utilities.

CL: “No, it’s not.”

Me: “Do you want to apply for the apartment or not?”

CL: “You should have told me all of that yesterday when I was here. I’m not applying for this shitty apartment. Give me back my money order.”

Me: “Aaaaaaallllllllllrighty then.”

Cue to Cigarette Lady walking into my office a couple days ago:

Me: May I help you?

CL: (still stinking to high heaven of stale/recently smoked cigarettes) Yeah…you need to cash this money order because I made it out to you.

Me: I have no way to cash that money order.

CL: It’s made out to you, you can cash it and issue me a check.

Me: I don’t issue checks here. Do you have your receipt from when you purchased the money order?

CL: Yes. I want the number to your corporate office.

Me: We are not going to negotiate that check for you. You should be able to cash that check where you purchased it with the receipt. I can’t help you.

CL: Give me the number to your corporate office or boss or something.

Me: I’m happy to give you that number, but I’m telling you – we are not going to cash a check for a service we didn’t provide you. It’s a money order for a screening and you never applied with me. You negated the contract when you collected your money order and you canceled your application.

CL: You don’t have to get crazy and weird…

Me: I’m not getting crazy and weird. You’re asking me to cash something that I never provided a service for. I can’t just cash checks whenever someone walks in here. And I can’t accept payment for a service I didn’t provide.

CL: You don’t need to be a bitch about it.

Me: I’ve engaged in this conversation long enough. You need to leave this office and property. You’re not welcome here. Get out.

I’m certainly not short on materials…wait until I share with you my latest installment of “…and then my Maintenance Guy went BATSHIT CRAY-CRAY”

Stay tuned, Sassyland…stay tuned.

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7 thoughts on “Hello Sassyland, remember me? It’s Sassy. Apartment Manager Tales #26

  1. The script-style dialogue is my fave. I can hear you in my head!

    In a not insane way.

  2. Krystal says:

    You’ll either be super excited by this or you’ll tell me to fuck off, either is fine. Haha! I nominated your blog for the one lovely blog award here: http://unabashedlypoetic.wordpress.com/2014/09/13/one-lovely-blog-award/

  3. nymuse88 says:

    LMAO “I had brain surgery, so I can’t remember.” Yes, well…they might need to go back in. Granted it’s true she could have not remembered and it did hit her so suddenly, but doubt it.

    • sassypanties says:

      It amazes me how many people think I’ll approve them for an apartment based on what they say on the phone………..

      • nymuse88 says:

        Seriously! *on phone* oh you’re a Prince from a far away land? Oh, I’m sorry a rich prince from a far away land. So you’ll be able to make your payments on time? Good. Yes, there will be a pet fee for your steed…now where would you like to meet so I can get ID and we will of course have to check your credit. Well no sir…I don’t just believe you…

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