Jumping Back In


My – oh – my. It’s been awhile. That’s how I roll, though. My blog and I have an on again, off again love/hate relationship.

What have you missed while I was away? OH-SO-FUCKING-MUCH. But…for starters, let’s get down to some picture sharing, shall we? I’m sure you want to see some Maui pictures, because…well? I like to think that someone out there actually cares about whether we had a great time on vacation. WE DID! Mostly…feast your eyes on THESE:


This is what happens when you drive around Maui in a convertible – no matter how much sunscreen you use. Also – no makeup – you’re welcome.


Frackin plastic piece of shit hooks on bikinis – My fix? Cheapo souvenir keychain.


The Fam. All brown and smiles at sunset.

(Sorry about the placement of the pics. I pretty much suck at the “add media” thing. We will see if I can continue tell you more about Maui.)

Some of the more memorable moments were:

1. Kids constantly fighting. Joyful….meh.

2. A 12 year old who is on the verge of starting her period, only she hasn’t yet. Which makes life SUPER HAPPY-HAPPY around the condo when all she wants to do is sit on the couch and watch youtube videos until we force her UNGRATEFUL ASS to do something. Okay – it wasn’t that bad…but I may or may not have blurted out during one outing that “I WILL NEVER BRING KIDS TO MAUI EVER AGAIN”…to which my husband responded, “That’s MEAN!” complete with a frowny face of disappointment in my direction…but I had had it. I was soooooo irritated.

3. The drive on the Road to Hana – about 1 hour in, it rained. And wouldn’t stop. But before the rain? My kids and hubby swam in a lagoon and UNDER A MOTHER FUCKING WATERFALL! How awesome is THAT? Yeah…I captured that shit on video, LIKE A BOSS!

4. Sunrise at Haleakala…this time, without the altitude sickness(yay ME!)…but I did get a little motion sick on the way back down. Windy roads and a hubby that was testing the capabilities of the Mustang we rented did NOT set well with ol’ Sassies tum-tum – but he was having fun so I just closed my eyes and focused on my “PLEASE DON’T PUKE” breathing.

5. Snorkeling. We snorkeled almost EVERY DAY! Right out in front of our condo was the most convenient, however visibility wasn’t that great on a couple occasions and towards the end, the rest of the fam didn’t want to go because they had had enough of the mask/snorkel leakage and I seemed to be the only one that rarely had issues – so I went out by myself for about 3 days and SWAM WITH TURTLES ALL BY MYSELF AND IT WAS RAD!

6. Luau!!!! I booked the luau this time based on COST. Can I make a solid suggestion to anyone planning on booking a Luau on ANY of the islands? It’s going to cost A LOT…no matter WHAT you do. Pay the extra $20 for the good Luau that you know is AWESOME! In this case? We went to the Royal Hawaiian Luau in Ka’anapali. Perhaps our mis-step occurred when we went to Maui for our 20th Anniversary 2 1/2 years ago. We went all out and went to the Old Lahaina Luau. DUDES. If you ever do anything I say, ever? Let this be the thing. Book the Old Lahaina Luau. Trust me. It’s classy, clean, well run, the food is INCREDIBLE, the entertainment is everything you’ll ever dream a Luau to be. EVERYONE says they have the “BEST LUAU ON THE ISLAND”. No. No they don’t. There may be other good ones, but avoid the Royal Lahaina Luau.



Are you aware that banana trees ONLY bear fruit in their first year? After the banana’s grow, you cut the trunk of the tree to the base and a new tree will sprout! We stopped at a lady’s house – her name is Lorraine. She is LOVELY in every way and we wanted the kids to experience meeting her. She sells Shaved Ice from her house, which is sort of off the beaten path…she also sells banana bread and the BEST Banana Creme Pie I have ever had in my entire life and I could have just snuggled to her bussoms and lived with her for the rest of my life. Now, granted, I steer clear of banana things for the most part, but when you’re in Maui, you do things that you typically wouldn’t. I will never ever take another trip to Maui without stopping for a hug from Lorraine and eating her Banana Creme Pie.


7. Our snorkeling charter on the Quicksilver for snorkeling to Molokini then to Turtle Town and finally searching for Dolphins. Captain Nat is amazing and so is his crew. This was our 2nd time on a boat with him and the second was just as enjoyable as the first. And my husband will be the first to tell you: CHEAPEST, STRONGEST MAI-TAI’s on MAUI can be found on Cap’n Nats boat!!! $2/ea. and you are SURE to be shitfaced when you get back to the Harbor. Book his charter through Boss Frog’s – you can also get your snorkel gear, Luau reservations, Helicopter Tours and just about anything else you dump money into on Maui – through them! They are accommodating and friendly and laid back. If Gary helps you at the Kihei store next to Long’s Drugs? I sure hope you aren’t in a hurry! He’s as laid back as they come and will shower you with coupons for local eateries as you close out your enormous bill, that only hurts when you sign the credit card slip…and then later after you get home and receive the bill.

8. Floating in the ocean…not a care in the world. Usually with a cocktail on calmer sea days.

9. This time we were able to cook a LOT more in the condo. We already had spend so much on the activities that we booked, we tried to keep the meals – especially dinners – in-house. Every single time you go out to dinner you can drop $150. So we tried to stick with early lunches and ate well, then swam in the ocean a bunch so that we could go back to the condo to make dinner. That did NOT stop us from having Cheeseburger in Paradise, so don’t get it twisted.

10. Swimming at night during an almost FULL MOON. It was incredible. When the waves curled as they approached the beach, they were filled with silver light and when we took the kids out, it was like there was a spotlight on us. It was gloriously beautiful. We missed the full moon by 2 days…so I can only imagine the lucky ones that were there to experience it. I hope some of them took advantage of swimming in the ocean in the moonlight. It is truly magical.


9 thoughts on “Jumping Back In

  1. Sounds awesome. Thanks for finally sharing that shit you crazy bitch.

  2. H. Stern says:


    Also, yay Hawaii. It’s amazing, isn’t it? Let’s build a commune and go live there forever. Lorraine can come, too.

  3. OMG.. SO..im posting without reading…IM SO WHOLE. again.
    ill be right back…HA!

  4. PinotNinja says:

    REM had it right — Night Swimming is simply the best thing there is. Nothing is more relaxing or magical. Well except for night swimming with a cocktail in hand, obviously.

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