Hey y’all! I feel like I’ve been MIA lately. I’ve just been super duper busy at work and have been thinking about you all NON-STOP!
I got to work this morning and had a few messages left by residents.
One message was rather snotty, sarcastic and patronizing. The resident on the other end of the line was pissed because someone keeps parking in her spot “Again…” – typically, I’ll handle these calls with a parking violation tag – if the car is still in the space when I can address it. Many times these calls come in the evenings and they leave messages and by the time I’m here the next day – or in this case on Monday – the offending vehicle is usually long gone and there is no way for me to know which apartment these offending people live in and most of the time I think they are visitors anyway.
Here’s how the message went – I’ll use italics for the snarky, pissy parts, m’kay? M’kay…
Yeah, hi. This is Katherine in unit 2501. I’m calling again, to report that someone is parked in my parking space again. I’m getting really tired of this. I’m not sure why you keep allowing people to park in my parking space when I pay for that space with my rent. It’s 10 pm on Saturday. I need you to come out here and get these people to stop parking in my spot. I’m sick and tired of it.
Did you happen to notice that almost that entire paragraph was in italics? Yeah. Me too. Bleh.
The next few phone calls and visits from residents consisted of “Little Jimmy” who has been seen pushing and shoving kids on the playground and also been caught by my maintenance guy peeing in the bushes. Well, we have laundry rooms on the property and several children went home and told their parents that “Little Jimmy took a dump upstairs in the laundry room in building 4.” I should probably share with you – my loyal followers and readers – building 4 doesn’t have a restroom in the laundry room. No. It doesn’t. What does that mean, you ask? It means that “Little Jimmy” took a dump on the floor.
Lucky me. I get to type out the notice to the parents of this child and explain to them that “Little Jimmy” is peeing behind all my bushes on the property as well as pooping all over my laundry room floor and that he is not to play outside on our playground unless under adult supervision.
While searching my internal Thesaurus for a word to use instead of “Poop” on a rather formal and legal notice, several options and phrases came to mind…
- “Took a dump”
- “Pinched a loaf”
- “Bowel Movement”
- “Dropped a duece”
- “The old numero DOS”
- “Number 2”
- “Dropped a load”
- “Fecal Matter”
- “Fudge Nuggets”
I settled on “defecate” – you know…to keep it professional.
So the dad of “Little Jimmy” just called in reference to my letter. He was mortified. I told him that unfortunately for a while “Little Jimmy” was going to need adult supervision while he played out on the play ground. Without missing a beat, the dad said, “Oh, don’t worry about that. He’s not going to be playing outside for a while.” I also requested that he take “Little Jimmy” over to clean up the mess he made, immediately. Dad asked me where it was. I told him, “Why don’t you have Little Jimmy show you. He know exactly where it is.”
There’s never a dull moment in property management, folks.