Jeans fresh outta the dryer – a liiiiiittle snug around the belly. And then you sit down and it’s like getting full on punched in the gut. That’s me. I should have thought this through a little better. I’m currently squatting at my computer trying to stretch out the ass and loosen them up a bit. Please Lord…
News Flash From Apartment Managerland:
Do not call me because your “husband” beat the shit out of you while your kids watched. You don’t even live here. I don’t mean to sound heartless, but I’m not here to get involved in your domestic disputes. Also? It didn’t even sound as though you were being entirely honest. You also sounded an awful lot like the lady that called the other day that said “The guy living in unit xxxx wasn’t going to be able to pay his May rent.” and then had to mysteriously go and said you would call back but never did.
Property management sorta turns you into a bitch. And curiously enough, you sorta get a thrill out of evicting people.
HOLY SHITBALLS! THE BLOGGESS COMMENTED ON MY BLOG RIGHT HERE IN SASSYLAND!!!!!!
Jenny Lawson – the infamous BLOGGESS. The one and only. It’s like having the Pope kiss your feet and shit. AWESOME! She’s the queen of snark and knower of all things Dr. Who, as well as big supporter of Balls of Twine and celebrities that hold them. I nominated her for The Sunshine Award and she stopped by and told me that I ROCK!!!!!!!!!!! Whatevs. We’re BFF’s. YEAH RIGHT! She clearly doesn’t remember that I was among a group of people that gifted her the most amazing thrift store art known to man as evidenced below:
We autographed it for her…and uh…she probably threw it away IMMEDIATELY.
I won’t tell you how much it cost, because you just can’t put a price on awesomeness…and then she hugged us ANYWAY.
So My Maintenance Guy Calls Me – More from Apartment Managerland:
Him: Hey Boss!
Him: Feel like dealing with something?
Me: Depends on what it is…
Him: The lady in unit XXXX just let her dog take a HUGE DUMP on the grass. Aaaaannnnddd…she didn’t clean up after it.
Me: HELL YEAH! I’m all OVER that!
Me: K- gotta go.
So I wrote up a nasty gram and walked my happy little heiney over there and knocked on the door – like, super hard.
*creeeeeek* Her: Yes?
Me: Is your mom home?
Me: Welp – you need to get down there and clean up after the dog, like, now. And also? Your dog is way too big for this complex. If this happens one more time, you’re going to have to find somewhere else for him to live.
I’m pretty sure that her mom will be calling me – and if she does, I can address the fact that she didn’t call me back the other day when I left a message about her rent check bouncing. KA-BOOM, BITCHES! The wrath of Sassy is not to be tested.
The Thing About Being An Apartment Manager:
You’ve gotta act like this is YOUR property – I’m ultimately responsible for this place. If we get shitty residents living here – it falls on me. I have to run this like a business. I can’t let anyone walk over me – I learned that at the FIRST property I managed. I was nice then. Now? BITCHYPANTS. I gave people so many chances that I felt like I never was able to get things to work like I wanted – and that is just MY view – my boss is and was super happy with my performance. I’ve turned two properties around completely going from a 54 unit complex to a 91 unit complex.
At this property, I’ve got people trying to act like they are going to kick my ass – climbing through my window, while I was on the phone with 911! It’s not an easy job and I act all tough and mouthy on the pages of this blog, but I’m truly a big fat wimp – although I haven’t been tested with physical violence yet and I can guarantee that I highly doubt that anyone will come at me in that manner. Not with this can of WASP SPRAY within an arms length of me at all times. My plan is this, the next time someone comes at me like that:
Can of Wasp Spray as well as the Window you’ve been hearing so much about.
- Inform them that I will call 911 if they don’t leave my office. Once should do it, but I’m willing to inform them twice if they don’t leave when originally asked.
- If they don’t leave – commence with the calling of 911.
- If they attempt to come through my window I shall be ready, finger on the trigger – this particular can of Wasp Spray shoots up to 25 feet, but I’m a lousy aim, so I want to be sure they are close enough for a direct hit.
- Once the perp is down with a face full of Wasp Spray, I shall commence to beat the holy living shit out of them with the can.
I’m sure that THIS will spread through the complex like WILDFIRE and I will have quite the rep…of course – it’s gotta happen *again* before I can put these steps to use…which I doubt will happen.
It’s probably time to call the E! channel for a camera crew to follow me around “A day in the life of an apartment manager”. There is certainly never a dull moment….