Tight Jeans, Randomness and The Bloggess

Jeans fresh outta the dryer – a liiiiiittle snug around the belly. And then you sit down and it’s like getting full on punched in the gut. That’s me. I should have thought this through a little better. I’m currently squatting at my computer trying to stretch out the ass and loosen them up a bit. Please Lord…

News Flash From Apartment Managerland:

Do not call me because your “husband” beat the shit out of you while your kids watched. You don’t even live here. I don’t mean to sound heartless, but I’m not here to get involved in your domestic disputes. Also? It didn’t even sound as though you were being entirely honest. You also sounded an awful lot like the lady that called the other day that said “The guy living in unit xxxx wasn’t going to be able to pay his May rent.” and then had to mysteriously go and said you would call back but never did.

Property management sorta turns you into a bitch. And curiously enough, you sorta get a thrill out of evicting people.


Jenny Lawson – the infamous BLOGGESS. The one and only. It’s like having the Pope kiss your feet and shit. AWESOME! She’s the queen of snark and knower of all things Dr. Who, as well as big supporter of Balls of  Twine and celebrities that hold them.  I nominated her for The Sunshine Award and she stopped by and told me that I ROCK!!!!!!!!!!! Whatevs. We’re BFF’s. YEAH RIGHT! She clearly doesn’t remember that I was among a group of people that gifted her the most amazing thrift store art known to man as evidenced below:


We autographed it for her…and uh…she probably threw it away IMMEDIATELY.

I won’t tell you how much it cost, because you just can’t put a price on awesomeness…and then she hugged us ANYWAY.

So My Maintenance Guy Calls Me – More from Apartment Managerland:

Him: Hey Boss!

Me: Wazzaaaaaaap?

Him: Feel like dealing with something?

Me: Depends on what it is…

Him: The lady in unit XXXX just let her dog take a HUGE DUMP on the grass. Aaaaannnnddd…she didn’t clean up after it.

Me: HELL YEAH! I’m all OVER that!

Him: Uh-oh.

Me: K- gotta go.

So I wrote up a nasty gram and walked my happy little heiney over there and knocked on the door – like, super hard.

Me: Management.

*creeeeeek* Her: Yes?

Me: Is your mom home?

Her: Nope.

Me: Welp – you need to get down there and clean up after the dog, like, now. And also? Your dog is way too big for this complex. If this happens one more time, you’re going to have to find somewhere else for him to live.

Her: M’kay.

I’m pretty sure that her mom will be calling me – and if she does, I can address the fact that she didn’t call me back the other day when I left a message about her rent check bouncing. KA-BOOM, BITCHES! The wrath of Sassy is not to be tested.

The Thing About Being An Apartment Manager:

You’ve gotta act like this is YOUR property – I’m ultimately responsible for this place. If we get shitty residents living here – it falls on me. I have to run this like a business. I can’t let anyone walk over me – I learned that at the FIRST property I managed. I was nice then. Now? BITCHYPANTS. I gave people so many chances that I felt like I never was able to get things to work like I wanted – and that is just MY view – my boss is and was super happy with my performance. I’ve turned two properties around completely going from a 54 unit complex to a 91 unit complex.

At this property, I’ve got people trying to act like they are going to kick my ass – climbing through my window, while I was on the phone with 911! It’s not an easy job and I act all tough and mouthy on the pages of this blog, but I’m truly a big fat wimp – although I haven’t been tested with physical violence yet and I can guarantee that I highly doubt that anyone will come at me in that manner. Not with this can of WASP SPRAY within an arms length of me at all times. My plan is this, the next time someone comes at me like that:

photo (12)

Can of Wasp Spray as well as the Window you’ve been hearing so much about.

  1. Inform them that I will call 911 if they don’t leave my office. Once should do it, but I’m willing to inform them twice if they don’t leave when originally asked.
  2. If they don’t leave – commence with the calling of 911.
  3. If they attempt to come through my window I shall be ready, finger on the trigger – this particular can of Wasp Spray shoots up to 25 feet, but I’m a lousy aim, so I want to be sure they are close enough for a direct hit.
  4. Once the perp is down with a face full of Wasp Spray, I shall commence to beat the holy living shit out of them with the can.

I’m sure that THIS will spread through the complex like WILDFIRE and I will have quite the rep…of course – it’s gotta happen *again* before I can put these steps to use…which I doubt will happen.

It’s probably time to call the E! channel for a camera crew to follow me around “A day in the life of an apartment manager”. There is certainly never a dull moment….


11 thoughts on “Tight Jeans, Randomness and The Bloggess

  1. Lol. That sounds like quite a facility over there, ma’am!! Section 8 or just fucktards being fucktards?

  2. I like that Bloggess but can’t figure out how to follow her or subscribe or whatever it’s called. What’s CLO? Something I should know? Some sort of police officer?

    • sassypanties says:

      Community Liaison Officer. You can follower her on The Facebook and when she posts something. Just search for The Bloggess (That’s her – with the black and white photos and curlers in her hair.) GOD SAVE THE QUEEN HERE COMES MY STINKY TENANT. I just started eating lunch too. Ew. I’m gonna barf.

    • sassypanties says:

      DUDE! Okay – tell me how to get the attention of law enforcement. I have a unit that I KNOW is selling drugs, it seems as though the cops know, too…but they can’t just go in there and slap the cuffs on them. Any given Friday, you can see a barrage of cars coming and going in the parking lot, but I can’t get anyone to cuff em’ and stuff em’.

      On another note – I have a guy who is “wanted” living in one of my units, the police know all about it and they won’t bust in there to nab him. I’m confused. I walked them up there to arrest him once but he wouldn’t answer the damn door. WTF?!?!

      • Call everyday until shit gets did. Call about the drug sales every time you see it. See if they have a hotline you can call about drugs. Isn’t that what a CLO should take care of? Is it a small town department?

      • sassypanties says:

        I think we are frequently featured on the show COPS, if that’s what you’re asking…

        I’ll keep calling. I feel like I could really continue cleaning up this property if I could just *borrow* a cop on a Friday to see all the cars coming and going around here.

        I followed someone who had just parked – I wasn’t going all Dog The Bounty Hunter on them or anything – I hung back, enough so that I saw what unit they went into – which is coincidentally the area with the most pungent marijuana smell – and the cops even told me that the lady living there is bad news…but DUDE! They won’t arrest those motherfuckers for ANYTHING. It’s really frustrating.

  3. Oh. My. God. I was actually screaming with you the second you said bloggess. Also, I don’t know anything about management, especially not management of apartments but I know a lot about crazy people so you’re right, we’re definitely long lost somethings!

  4. First off the Bloggess would be plain silly NOT to follow you. Afterall you are awesomesauce!
    Second I’m sitting here reading about the woman who says the hub is beating her and I want to hunt him down and kick his ass. That’s the Mom in me oozing out!
    Nag that CLO till they do something! Over and over if need be but keep on him. YOU are reporting a derelict and they need to do something about it.
    I LOVE LOVE LOVE that you told the poop losers to pick up the shit! I’m like the shit police on our block! LOL I’ve chased an old man who let his dog shit on my lawn and left it with the shit in a shovel and flung it at his doorstep. I’ve yelled at a 12 year old to pick up her dog poop after she let it crap on a very nice old man’s front lawn and started to walk away. She said she had no bag. I told her to hold on and ran in and got her several and told her next time she leaves the shit for good Old Jo I’d leave the shit on her porch for her mama. We had the cop neighbor from around the block leaving his dog shit out front. That one I had to stake out and caught him mid poop! He had been doing it for weeks and hub stepped in it and tracked it in his brand new truck! Heads were rolling over that one! But fear not….I’m an excellent poop tracker and I will not be shit on! LOL
    I love the wasp spray! That should keep those whootinannies outta there. Keep a baseball bat close by too so when you get them down you can whoop their ass without messing up your nails:)
    Big hugs!

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