Hot Flashes and Mood Swings

I come from a long line of early menopausal ladies. We are all fairly easily short-tempered females. Except for my grandmother – God rest her soul. She was a motherfucking saint. How she put up with my Grandpa and his grumpy ass – God rest his soul – for so many years with patience and grace, I’ll never know. It’s hard to believe that my mother came out of that woman’s womb.

To say that my mother, in her pre-menopausal days, was a handful would probably be the understatement of all understatements. She had a short fuse. Probably the shortest fuse I’ve ever seen on a human being.

When she got married to my step-dad, we inherited another kiddo to the family who off-and-on lived with us. That meant that I had two brothers. Little brothers. To this day, I will never understand boys. My step-dads favorite past-time was “Let’s wind up mom tight as a CLOCK”. This usually ended badly…everyone thought it was funny…except Mom. The poor thing.


Two, seven year old boys, being as irritating as possible, a step-dad who was poking them with an imaginary stick as though he was prodding them to go just one step further, while my unknowing mother just all of a sudden went BAT-SHIT CRAZY! She had HAD ENOUGH! Things started flying throughout the house, doors were slammed, an occasional kid was smacked or shoved and almost every. single. time. it ended in tears. When I think back on it? It wasn’t funny at all.

Thank GOD I married a man that is totally mellow and sweet and kind.

The Apple Doesn’t Fall Far From The Tree

After 22 years of marriage, my husband has endured almost 264 months of my bitching. In my defense, I don’t think I’m as bad as my mother was. Well…I haven’t been as bad as her for the ENTIRE 264 months, anyway. I have my moments…but I try to internalize it as much as possible – because I simply don’t want to subject my two daughters to my wrath – and my hubby sure as hell doesn’t deserve it.

But what I’m trying to express to you is that for about 2 weeks out of every month I get possessed by a demon. And her name is MENOPAUSE. And let me share something with you. I’m not impressed. Not in the slightest. And another thing? This is just the beginning.

You want to know what I’m going through? Okay. Here goes – I hope you’re prepared for some over-sharing:

  1. Night sweats. I usually sleep in the buff. TMI – but – let’s face it – when I give it up, it cuts out the middle man. And when you get the hot flash-night sweats in the middle of the night? It’s not pretty. My sheets get completely SOAKED and I toss and turn and kick the blankets off and then yank them back on and this lasts for HOURS. This usually happens for about 5-6 days each month. Right smack dab in the middle of my “cycle”. I hate the word PERIOD. Gawd. I also hate the word MENSTRUATE. Jesus. I just had cold chills run down my spine. Ack. I’m going to line through those words because I hate them so much.
  2. My “cycle” lasts like, 3 days – TOPS. But hubby doesn’t need to know that…as far as he’s concerned, it’s still about 5 days. This is the only perk I can think of. 3-days. It’s like a gift from GOD! But the flip-side to this? I never know when the fuck it’s gonna show up – I’m all jacked up. It’s like I’m a ticking time bomb. Just when I get that achy feeling in my back and shoulders and I start getting crampy? I HAVE TWO MORE FUCKING WEEKS TO WAIT! I used to feel like that for only a couple days – now it goes on for a week or two and then WHAMMO. WTF MENOPAUSE?
  3. Sex-drive is NIL. Fellas? If you’re still reading this? Do yourself a favor. Don’t take this personally. And DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES make your woman feel guilty for not wanting to put out. Here’s a newsflash: We can’t control ourselves and things are shaky at best. Anything you can do to NOT make us flip out at this point, would be much appreciated. When this particular symptom passes, we will be back in business…until then? Just back the fuck off, m’kay? Thanks.
  4. Zits. What in the hell happened to my flawless skin? I get pimples all over my face now. It’s ridiculous.
  5. Mood swings. Sometimes? I feel so out of control and ragey that all I want to do is smirk and yell at people. It’s almost like I black out and stop thinking rationally. Nothing you can say to me will calm me down. No good deed you do for me will make any difference at all. I’m not saying for you all to just simply not say sweet things or do good deeds, all I’m saying is to not be surprised if it doesn’t do a bit of good or somehow MIRACULOUSLY our attitudes will change for the better. It’s like we are an out of control run-away train that has lost all its brakes and is going down a hill that travels to the center of the earth. You either need to just wait until we spontaneously combust or we run out of train track – which is a sign that the worst has passed.
  6. Remorse. Yes. Remorse. After the worst is over, and I reflect on what has been happening? I feel badly about it. There is NOTHING about this transformation that I enjoy. I’m not an angry and unstable person – or at least I never was. I’ve always been a sweetie-pie. But good LORD and BABY JESUS, something is happening to me and I cannot control myself and I feel like a puppet to these mood swings and it’s a pretty helpless feeling. There is medication to help level things out, but I hate hate HATE going to the doc and like to think that if I was completely and utterly unbearable, that my hubby would throw me into a straight-jacket and haul me off to the nearest mental institution.

Dear Fellas of Pre-Menopausal and Menopausal Women,

We are sorry for putting you through hell for one to two weeks out of each month. Just imagine feeling mentally unstable for half of your life and having no control of your bodily temperature or it’s “cycle”. This is what we’re going through and we sincerely appreciate you. We also appreciate that you will not hold anything we say or do during this time, against us. We hope you understand that we are still the people you fell in love with – we’re just sometimes a little bitchier than you recall – you know – it’s not you…it’s US. Just give us a week or two and we’ll be back to normal. But get ready – because we’re going to go through all of this, yet again, next month.


Your Women

Those of you who have gone through this or are currently going through this – feel free to leave a comment. Whether you’re male or female.


One thought on “Hot Flashes and Mood Swings

  1. Love this! So funny.
    Thanks for your comments today by the way!

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