Hazard Pay

I’m thinking that I should ask for hazard pay pretty soon on my new job as apartment manager. You’d think that managing an apartment complex in the nicer part of town would be low drama, easy and yeah…it could even be FUN.

Not with this bunch of no-good gang banger motherfuckers. Everybody knows EVERYBODY in here. It’s amazing. It’s gotten to the point where I ask anyone coming in to look at an apartment, if they know someone who lives here already.

I’ve got this one chick that I evicted pretty much the day I was handed the keys. She was a bully and a drug dealer and a…well…she was a ho. That’s pretty much all I can say. She was boinking this other dude that lives here and there apparently was another chick in the complex that was boinking him too, and well…AMAZON WOMAN found out about it and on my first day at this property, the police came and arrested her because she slapped the shit out of the second ho-bag that was boinking this dude…and it’s been chaos ever since. Another thing? He looks like an idiot. I don’t even know what attracted them to this loser. I mean….he’s skinny, nappy-headed and pretty young. He’s creepy, too. I guess there have been reports of him addressing all the single ladies that move in here. Wanting their numbers, watching to see which apartment they live in so that he can knock on their door and ask them for their numbers or perhaps even go inside. FREAK. ME. OUT.

Anyway – I blame the previous manager for pretty much how this property is running right now. She signed leases with all of these fucktards! I can’t even believe it. If you are intuitive at ALL, you can get a feeling for people pretty fast. Usually I get “that feeling” after about 30 seconds with someone. You either know by the way they speak or present themselves, HELL….sometimes, you can tell just by the car they drive. The chick that managed this place before? I’m guessing she had her head up her ass 99% of the time.

Do you ever start a job and pretty much want to shake the living SHIT out of the person that worked there before you because they took so many short cuts towards the end of their employment that they must’ve known the end was near, so they made themselves look good on paper?

Let me explain to you how this affects people in property management – from the eyes of someone who is about to get shit-canned – which I can only guess is how their thought process works…here goes:

  1. I’m starting to feel that my job is in jeopardy. Oh no.
  2. HELLS BELLS! I better start making it look like I know what I’m doing!
  3. I’m gonna rent to any low-life scumbag motherfucker that walks through the door.
  4. My vacancies are DRASTICALLY improved! They are gonna think I’m a rock star.
  5. D’oh – too little, too late. I guess I should have started this 3 months ago.
  6. I’m gonna give my notice before anyone has a chance to fire my ass.
  7. I’ll just put a sign up on the door that I’m “out on the property” which really isn’t a lie, because I actually LIVE ON SITE. They’ll never know.
  8. The new manager is gonna have her hands full with this crappy lot we have living here. I’m not even going to call her or show her the ropes at all. No one showed me how to do anything.

BOOM. That’s where I’m at. Apparently her gut instinct about folks is non-existent, because the folks that she let sign a lease to live here?….


I’m a pretty tough broad – or at least I feel that I claim to be and can walk around here like I own the place and all of that – because if these people see any sign of weakness out of you AT ALL, then you may as well kiss your butt goodbye.

So I’ve got about 4 more units that I will be evicting very shortly. I’m pretty excited about it. Is that weird? Luckily, the leases haven’t been renewed and many are expired or about to be expired. So…it’s a matter of handing out 20 day notices to terminate their tenancy and GAMEDAY BUCKET GO BOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


2 thoughts on “Hazard Pay

  1. H. Stern says:

    I’ve been in SO many jobs where the person before me just either walked off the job, or stayed long enough to be horribly inefficient. It makes YOUR job so much harder… especially when you’re dealing with hoes and drug dealers. But you’re kick-ass!! You’ll TOTALLY terrify them… just show ’em those ladybug socks!!

  2. Mary Alice says:

    Listen you have bigger balls that all of them! Show them the door and clean that place up! They hired you because they believe in your ability to clean that place up and I have no doubt you’ll do just that.

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