Gay Wisdom’s – Part One

My neighbors S & D are the most fabulous gay men on the planet. I adore them with every fiber of my being. I’m not kidding. I. LOVE. THEM.

Here’s a TOP 5 things you should know about my Gay-bors and then I’ll impart my unsolicited wisdom to you – or AT you…whatever this happens to be.

  1. The first time we met them, my hubby and kids walked over as they were moving in with a big basket o’ candles and 4 huge smiles, ready to welcome them to the neighborhood. It’s been 7 years, and just yesterday “S” told me that he ran across the little label that we attached to the basket. Which means, HE SAVED THAT SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!
  2. Also, you should know that our first meeting with that basket of candles was probably the most FUN first conversation I have ever had with any human being on the face of the planet. I WAS CRYING LAUGHING! It was awesome. So, basically…I loved them from day one.
  3. They have a Christmas Party and a Summer Party every year.
  4. The first time I have EVER been drunk (at age 35) was at one of their Christmas Parties. I puked all over their living room. It was EPIC. And I’m not ashamed about it AT ALL. It’s like they have a gay PUKE PATROL or something that dispatched and within 45 seconds, no one could tell I did it. Once I hobbled back across the street with the help of my hubby and one of our “new” friends, it was about 4 hours in the bathroom…and I’ll spare you the gory details.
  5. Never, in my life, have I met a more loving, generous, more fun group of people so willing to take you in and accept you for who you are IN MY LIFE. unless you’re my husband who likes to lighten his hair  every summer and he waltzed in there all blondish and the gasps that happened when people saw him could have sucked all the oxygen out of the room. He was ridiculed and hasn’t colored his hair since. Funny thing – I didn’t think it looked all that bad. I’m not GAY enough, apparently.

HAVING SAID ALL OF THIS, there are a few things I “learned” yesterday…

  • Do not ever…under any circumstances, scream SPIDER MAN at a gay party. It’s not a super hero. Nuff said. If you need clarification…try to find a raunchy gay guy to tell you. I don’t think I can repeat it.
  • Don’t let a gay man fix your cocktail. You will be drunk on your ass in approximately 12.32 minutes…or less.
  • There are lots of penis pictures in a gay mans office. A. LOT. OF. THEM. – it’s shocking, really.
  • I don’t care HOW HOT it is next year. To the summer party, I will be wearing a CABLE KNIT TURTLE NECK SWEATER. My personal space was violated. In the form of boob molestation. Harmless, yet still disturbing. All men are boob men. Doesn’t matter if they are gay or straight – probably even MORE SO if they are gay.
  • There are lots of Hostess and little Debbie snack foods with double meanings. Ding Dongs, Ho-Ho’s, Twinkies, Nutty Bars, etc. Typically they have fancy deserts – this year we had a special treat in the form of these lovely individually wrapped snack-cakes.
  • No matter how many times you say, “No, Joe. You may not ‘motorboat’ my boobs.” It will happen when you least expect it. Right in front of your husband. And he won’t care because he’s too busy finding somewhere to sit so that someone doesn’t try to feel him up. Basically…if you’re a chick, you’re on your own.

But seriously…we have the best time at these parties and you know? It’s just my opinion and all of that crap, but for people not to like a certain type of person for ANY reason is absurd. People are INDIVIDUALS. You need to let them prove their worthiness in your life by their actions. Not by what they chose to or NOT to do in their own home or by who they are attracted to or share their lives with. Life is just too short and I can’t even fucking believe that someone would dislike ANYONE I met at that party, based on who they love. NOT. EVEN. JOE.


4 thoughts on “Gay Wisdom’s – Part One

  1. Missy Take says:

    I’ve been living very near a gay area in town, and they are a special bunch for sure. I’m not sure how I would have liked Joe, that was a bit pushing it, especially if you had said no. No matter one’s sexual orientation, there are limits to personal space and it should be respected… I’m just saying…

    • sassypanties says:

      Joe was drunk and harmless and there were some pretty buff gay dudes there what would have pummeled his ass if I had needed assistance…next year it’ll be a cable-knit turtleneck FOR SURE. Even if it’s 98 degrees outside.

  2. Love the gays 🙂 shout out to my little brother!

    Nice post, thanks for the read.

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