We went to a BBQ last night. One of my husbands co-workers invited us. Only thing is that he works in an Architecture firm. And the “thing” about that is the type of people he works with/the conversations that take place at these gatherings are just…well? They sorta make me want to jump off an overpass in the middle of rush hour in I-5 Traffic. (I-5 is the main stretch of interstate that travels north to south on the west coast from Canada to Mexico. I live in Seattle-ish.)
I’m not complaining about ALL of the people that were in attendance. But here’s the deal…I’m not fond of one particular person in his office – and yeah, she freakin came to the damn BBQ. In her stilettos and bare legs and short “business” skirt ala Ally McBeal. It’s a FUCKING BBQ!!!! SERIOUSLY!!!!!
So yeah…about 45 minutes into this shin-dig, I wanted to go home because that’s about when she showed up.
She walked in – like we were all waiting for “her” to get there, you know the type…looking all fucking perfect with her hair just right, skinny, perfect clothes, fancy purse, in which she pulls out her iPhone and immediately says – while she’s scrolling through her phone – that she just came from a “meeting” and she couldn’t change her clothes and we’d just have to deal with it. Critiquing the house, she actually commented just before I decided I had had enough, on the radio. The guy who threw this BBQ is cool, and also a bachelor. The house had great design and cool furniture and really tidy…he’s about as much of a “dude” as you can get in the architecture field. Nice guy. Genuine guy. RIGHT! I know – her comment – I had to set the scene, you see…she said:
WOW! That’s, like, a BOOM BOX! It’s not an iPod dock or anything! WOW!
This was after she made a comment about the music that was playing was “SOOOOO COLLEGE!” and she made one of those snorty sounds like “Pssshhht”. WOW LADY! FUCK YOU! I was sitting on the couch – pretty much by myself, because I felt so out of place and out of my element – minding my own business and she waltzes in there and starts shutting windows and closing blinds and shit, like it’s her house or something and says stuff like that. I soooo wanted a keyboard so that I could blog about this last night when I was living it, because I was going off in my head about the shit that she was saying and thinking what great material this was.
And also, so that you don’t think I’m a total bitch and that I’m heartless and crap, the minute this broad walked in I just kind walked through the house and found my way to the back yard and then about 15 minutes later, someone who I had met for the first time last night came out and said, “Where’d you go? I turned around and you weren’t there anymore – you just like, left me there…” at which point we bonded and I said I was really really REALLY sorry but I just couldn’t take it anymore. And then we laughed, and also felt slightly bad about it…but at the same time, we kept playing “Dodge the Bitch” for the next hour and a half.
So around 8:40pm I walked up to my husband and was all…”Dude? When are we leaving? Can you give me some kind of idea here? 9? 10?” He said, “Oh, probably 9.” And I was all, “M’kay…I’ll be inside.” But what I really wanted to do was perform a death defying fat girl somersault in the back yard complete with flips and possibly a roundhouse landing circa 1984 Mary Lou Retton Olympic style. I would have nailed it too. Because that was only 20 minutes away and I SURELY could have avoided that biotch until we left. BUT I KEPT MY COOL, because 1.) I’m awesome like that; and 2.) I truly am a nice person and even though I rant outwardly here, in the sanctity of the walls of my blog, I rant inwardly when I’m actually in these situations creating a BLOG Rolodex in my mind so that I can refer to them later when I can let my fingers fly on the keyboard.
The only time I like these get-together’s with my hubby’s co-workers is if it’s on my turf. Our house. Because then, I can blog in REAL TIME about the jackasses that are invading my space and eating my food and pointing out that I don’t have a fucking iPod Docking Station. Seriously?????