You guys! I’m a stagemom! My poor kid…

It’s something that I don’t mind sharing with you because – let’s face it…I’m not like those Dance Mom’s – I swear, y’all…I’m NOT!

I’m more of a gentle whisper than a BIG FAT ASSHOLE. So when we visited The Great State of Texas last week and pulled an old fogey move and went on a tour of the State Capitol Building in Austin, being a person that appreciates acoustics, I asked my daughter to get to the highest point in the rotunda – which just happens to be the 4th floor – and sing the National Anthem. And then…?…this happened, y’all – THAT IS MY BABY!!!!!!!!!

Yes, I was all the way across the other side…and the sound isn’t all that great…but man…that kid can SING HER FACE OFF!

I couldn’t help but share because I’m braggy like that and stuff. Have a great weekend!

Welcome to the new Followers of Sassypanties!

So you clicked that little ” follow” button. Are you sure? Like…really sure you want to do that? Because SHIT GETS REAL UP IN HERE, YO!

Here’s what you can expect out of me – and I’ll provide you with bullet points to make it easy and quick to read, m’kay?

  • Profanity – my faves are: shit, fuck, motherfucker, fucktard, asshead and/or some hybrids thereof that I have GENIOUSLY (if I do say so myself) made up as I’ve gone through life or borrowed from some of my most favorite vulgar people.
  • I will bring the funny on a practically monthly or semi-annual basis. There was a time when I would flood WordPress with posts…but those days are behind me.
  • Truth. I don’t lie and I try not to sugar coat shit…life is hard enough trying to read the mixed signals that fake people throw out into the universe. Ain’t nobody got time fo’ dat.
  • Apartment Manager Tales will continue. I’m an apartment manager. Lots of crazy shit happens around here and I’ve managed to be transferred throughout our company so that I can improve each property that I’ve landed – my most current property is the largest account that our company has in its portfolio and I’ve been here a week. I’ll give it a month before the crazy shit starts hitting the fan and I have to lay the hammer down. The cool part about this new place? I don’t have any cleaning up to do. It’s a well oiled machine and I’m thrilled to be here.
  • I’m sarcastic as FUCK. If you don’t like sarcasm and perfectly placed profanity, then you may want to find another blog to follow.

In a nutshell, if I haven’t upset you by any of these – then WELCOME ABOARD TO THE SASSYLAND EXPRESS! Get ready for a bumpy, funny, profanity-filled ride.

I had a guy blindly follow me once and when he read my post commented, “If I had known you had such a filthy mouth, I wouldn’t have followed you in the first place.” This is why I feel the need to give you a little back ground because – I don’t just want pity-follows here, people. IN FACT – I suspect my follower count will go down because of this post – which I’m perfectly ok with, if you must know.

But Sassy…are you really like this in real life? Meh – my head is like this 100%, but I’ve recently decided that I’ve been blessed with a “self-edit feature” which is REALLY SUPER HANDY WHEN YOU ARE AN APARTMENT MANAGER. These fucking people drive me crazy. I haven’t heard an original excuse as to why someone can’t pay their rent in a long time. I physically have to close my eyes sometimes so that people don’t see my eyes rolling into the back of my head. So – instead of outwardly speaking these profanities – which most certainly would have landed me in the unemployment line – I created a blog. Now I can “say” what I really want to say – when I really want to say it and keep my professionalism in check. It’s a win-win, really. You win (or at least I’d like to think that you do) and I win because I don’t get fired.

The real-life me is quite nice and kind and generous with my friends and family. I care – to a fault. But all of that just means that I need a place to vent – and….LUCKY YOU!

If you have any questions you’d like answered, feel free to ask them in the comment section. If you have an apartment manager question – or just would like to know how Sassy would handle a certain situation, I’ll be happy to provide you with my version of the way shit should go down. Comments are awesome. I don’t really want to fucking beg you to comment or anything, but seriously…would it kill you to type something down there? I mean…it takes just a second or two, right? C’mon…I dare you.


#gohawks Is Totally A Thing (and #gomariners Isn’t)

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Originally posted on therookiegirlblog:

Yesterday, Meghan Granito wrote an excellent blog piece about Seattle Sports and social media. She made some great points, including some with which I disagreed, so we had rich discussion in the comments. Then I practically commented a blog … And here we are today.

In short, I think that the Seahawks are good at social media – like really, really good. And the Mariners aren’t.

In the late 90’s and early 00’s, the Mariners had strong TV ad presence. People actually looked forward to their annual commercials because they were clever and they personalized players for us. They coined phrases like “Sodo Mojo,” still used (by some lonely fans) today.

In turn, players gained local presence through local ads. I can still hear Edgar Martinez saying, “it’s a light bat” in my head!

But this is the old way.

Now the Mariners’ media presence centers around one…

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Stupid Questions #2: What Are They Even Supposed To Be Doing?

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If you haven’t started following this lady, I highly suggest that you do. She also has a YouTube channel and Vlog’s. I’d consider it a personal favor and you’ll thank me…

Originally posted on therookiegirlblog:

Okay Rookies, I know learning football can be a bit trying, but that question sounds like it is just loaded with snark.

And I know from snark.

Well, last week you learned about your team. This week are the very rudimentary basics of the game. More in blogs to follow!

Here we go …

They’re supposed to be getting the ball to the goal. The goal is the whole end of the field! If they do it, they earn points. How they do it determines how many points they earn.

They’re supposed to be getting the ball at least ten yards within their four chances. Each of those chances is called a “down.” Hopefully they’ll move much further – like all the way to the end for a TOUCHDOWN – but if they get their ten yards they get four more downs.

Some commentators will say that teams who…

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Hello Sassyland, remember me? It’s Sassy. Apartment Manager Tales #26

Close your mouth, Sassyland. You’re not imagining things…it’s really me. I’m baaaaaaack….

This started as a Facebook rant, but then, I decided against it. And thus brings Sassy back to the old Sassyland Bloggity. I have so many stories to share with you. I should really just pace myself and ride the wave as far ashore as I can before I get lazy again.

So this phone call just happened:

Screwy Lady on the Phone: “Hi I’m looking for a one bedroom apartment.”
Me: “When are you hoping to move by?”
SLOTP: “Immediately.”
Me: “I do have a one bedroom available. Would you like to come by and take a look and fill out an application?”
SLOTP: “Yes! I’m waiting for a ride. What are your rental requirements?”
Me: “2 1/2 times income vs. rent, no evictions, no owing other landlords back rent, and we screen your credit and criminal history as well.”
SLOTP: “Well, I’m good on income, but I have an eviction.”
Me: “How long ago was the eviction?”
SLOTP: “I don’t know…I had brain surgery, so I can’t remember.”
Me: “Okay, so was it fairly recent or 20 years ago?”
SLOTP (having a rather clear headed response all of a sudden): “It was 4 years ago.”
Me: “Well, that’s pretty recent, we are instructed to not rent to anyone with an eviction on their record that is within the last 7 years.”
SLOTP: “I really need somewhere to live. I just need a second chance.”

At this point I was checked out and fairly certain this wasn’t going to end with me having an approved application.

That’s the thing. I get these people calling me and when we discuss the rental requirements for screening them, I disclose that I cannot approve an application if they have an eviction on their record or if they have a felony. I give them a chance to come clean EVERY TIME – but I guess they just think that it won’t come up! I mean………if you’re IN THE MIDDLE of an EVICTION? You fucking KNOW it. If you’ve BEEN evicted? You KNOW that, too! Your shit ends up on the fucking sidewalk…unless you move out before that step is taken. So yeah…I don’t feel too sorry for people.

This happened earlier this week…

A couple days ago I saw a familiar face walking towards my office and I had a flashback of the last time I saw this woman – which was about 2-3 months ago. It went a little something like this:

It was a crisp spring day. A woman and her daughter, smelling heavily of cigarettes, came into my office inquiring about a 2 bed/1 bath apartment. I happened to have one available so I proceeded to ask her if she was interested in taking a look. She agreed. She liked the apartment and her daughter liked the apartment. We got back to the office and all the typical questions we asked and all the typical answers were given. They walked away with applications and were told to return them ASAP with a money order for the screening fee. And they left.

The next day:

It was a crisp spring day. The same woman and her daughter came in, smelling heavily of cigarettes, with their filled out application and money order in hand. I re-iterated, as I typically do because people around here – for some reason – listen with their ASSES, that the rent was $845.00 and our owners pay garbage, but the resident is responsible for paying water/sewer which is about $55/month. And this is where she sort of lost it:

Cigarette Lady: “So rent is $900.00/month?”

Me: “No, rent is $845.00/month and your utility cost about $55/month.”

CL: “You should have just told me rent was $900.00/month in the beginning.”

Me: “I told you yesterday that the 2 bedroom/1 bathroom apartment is $845.00/month. And that your utilities for water/sewer were approximately $55.00/month and you’ll get a statement each month showing both of those charges. Rent is rent, utilities are utilities.

CL: “No, it’s not.”

Me: “Do you want to apply for the apartment or not?”

CL: “You should have told me all of that yesterday when I was here. I’m not applying for this shitty apartment. Give me back my money order.”

Me: “Aaaaaaallllllllllrighty then.”

Cue to Cigarette Lady walking into my office a couple days ago:

Me: May I help you?

CL: (still stinking to high heaven of stale/recently smoked cigarettes) Yeah…you need to cash this money order because I made it out to you.

Me: I have no way to cash that money order.

CL: It’s made out to you, you can cash it and issue me a check.

Me: I don’t issue checks here. Do you have your receipt from when you purchased the money order?

CL: Yes. I want the number to your corporate office.

Me: We are not going to negotiate that check for you. You should be able to cash that check where you purchased it with the receipt. I can’t help you.

CL: Give me the number to your corporate office or boss or something.

Me: I’m happy to give you that number, but I’m telling you – we are not going to cash a check for a service we didn’t provide you. It’s a money order for a screening and you never applied with me. You negated the contract when you collected your money order and you canceled your application.

CL: You don’t have to get crazy and weird…

Me: I’m not getting crazy and weird. You’re asking me to cash something that I never provided a service for. I can’t just cash checks whenever someone walks in here. And I can’t accept payment for a service I didn’t provide.

CL: You don’t need to be a bitch about it.

Me: I’ve engaged in this conversation long enough. You need to leave this office and property. You’re not welcome here. Get out.

I’m certainly not short on materials…wait until I share with you my latest installment of “…and then my Maintenance Guy went BATSHIT CRAY-CRAY”

Stay tuned, Sassyland…stay tuned.

The Journey of Motherhood


In case you missed it..

Originally posted on sassypanties:

This isn’t your typical “Sassy” post…

As I embark on a new phase of parenting my first born, I’m forced to look back at the job I’ve done as a mother and reflect.

My daughter is graduating High School in 44 days. And in 57 days, her father and I are sending her 1/2 way around the world with one of her friends for a 3 week European adventure.

Reflection #1: When I found out that I was pregnant with her, it was a shock. At first completely terrified. Then overjoyed. The 42 weeks I was pregnant with her were the most glorious days of my life. I enjoyed every moment. Those moments when I was in the bedroom putting my clothes on in the very first trimester and falling  back onto my bed because a wave of nausea had come over me…the never-ending craving for Taco Bell…until that fateful…

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