The Journey of Motherhood

sassypanties:

In case you missed it..

Originally posted on sassypanties:

This isn’t your typical “Sassy” post…

As I embark on a new phase of parenting my first born, I’m forced to look back at the job I’ve done as a mother and reflect.

My daughter is graduating High School in 44 days. And in 57 days, her father and I are sending her 1/2 way around the world with one of her friends for a 3 week European adventure.

Reflection #1: When I found out that I was pregnant with her, it was a shock. At first completely terrified. Then overjoyed. The 42 weeks I was pregnant with her were the most glorious days of my life. I enjoyed every moment. Those moments when I was in the bedroom putting my clothes on in the very first trimester and falling  back onto my bed because a wave of nausea had come over me…the never-ending craving for Taco Bell…until that fateful…

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Verizon Customer Service – and also my husband is probably a Saint or something…

sassypanties:

I just really think you need to read this again.

Originally posted on sassypanties:

Let me begin by saying that I knew that I really had something special when I stumbled into my husband the first time…and this? This is exactly why we’ve had a successful marriage for almost 21 years…(this is an actual chat session my husband had with Verizon Customer Support just last night…I couldn’t figure out why he was laughing so hard when he was just simply trying to order our daughter her first cell phone…)


Please hold for a Verizon Wireless sales representative to assist you with your order. Thank you for your patience.

You are now chatting with ‘Miceala’

Nathaniel: Hi, I would like to add another line for my daughter. We would like the LG Cosmos 2. Can I add an additional line for $10/month?
Miceala: Hello. Thank you for visiting our chat service. May I help you with your order today?
Nate: Hi, I would like to…

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Apparently my “STATS are BOOMING” and Nail Salon Hilariousness

I thought that perhaps I should redeem myself from the touchy-feely post that I shared a week or so ago - and perhaps tempt those that have started following my BLOG to “unfollow” me now that they get to see what I’m REALLY all about – which is basically a potty-mouthed, complaining, mostly funny, completely sarcastic bitchy-poo.

I have no idea what happened – but let me just say – Sassyland has BLOWN IT’S SHIT in the last 48 hours. I don’t know if I accidentally tagged something wrong or what…but I appreciate the traffic. And let me just say – it’s ONLY traffic – I may have picked up a few “follows” as well, but the traffic has been considerable since in any given month I’m lucky to have 10 visits the entire month – and this may sound like bragging – because…well? I AM….but I had like, 23 follows in one day and 47 views…not quite a personal best, but not too shabby! So, I guess what I’m trying to say here is:

THANK YOU.

2 nights ago I went to the nail salon after work…okay, okay, okay…here’s what really happened.

I had been at work most of the day and just felt completely off kilter. I couldn’t type anything without fucking up. Like, typos-galore over here, y’all. Speaking wasn’t coming very naturally to me either – if I didn’t know better, you would have thought that I was stroking OUT…but I wasn’t – I was just having an OFF DAY. Fine. I can deal with that.

It was about 3:30 and I had finally had enough. I decided that I was going to go get my nails done. SO, I go to my favorite nail salon “Pro-Nail”. Pro-Nail is owned and ran by “Peter”. He’s a pretty funny, yet moody little fella. The only other person working there that I’ll let touch my hands is “Asia”…which I probably don’t even need quotes around because I’m pretty sure that is her real name.

So, I get to Pro-Nail and I take a seat at the door where people who don’t make appointments wait. Peter asks me, “What you wan’ my frien?”  I say, “I need a fill with white powder.” Which to you, may mean NOTHING, but to me, it means my French Manicure is going to look FUCKING AWESOME in about an hour. Then Peter said, “Ok, you sit ova thea and we be wit you in few minute”. Aaaaaalllllllrighty then.

I ended up going to sit at Asia’s station, she was finishing up a Pedicure. She came over and looked at my nails and said, “Oh!! You come back at good time dis time! You no let your nail grow ow too mut! Goot job!” Which means, “You came back within 2 weeks! Well done! Your nails aren’t so grown out that we have to start over again!” She was proud of me.

I had decided to get my “eyebrow whack” too…which means, I wanted my eyebrows waxed. This isn’t a very common occurrence with me, but every once in a while I like to tame the brow-bush. I told Asia that I didn’t want Peter to do it – and she laughed. She laughed because one time we were all joking and giving Peter a hard time about eyebrows. I told Peter that I wanted to get my eyebrows waxed on a different visit a few months back and he said, “Asia do for you.” and I said, “Peter?! You don’t want to wax my eyebrows?” And Asia said, from across the room, “Peter no good at dat. You will have to buy eyebrow pencil if Peter do it.” And let me tell you…we all laughed so hard after she said that….

So all of this brings me to this happy little YouTube video of Anjelah Johnson and her stand up routine about the Nail Salon – I hope you enjoy!

 

Apartment Manager Tales #27 (I’m just making up numbers at this point)

People are moving out like a MOFO up in this piece, y’all! I had 7 people move out last month and another 4 this month. It’s like…where are you people going?!? Of course I’m re-renting the units at a RECORD PACE.

There are two things that the owner of an apartment complex should be ECSTATIC about – IN THIS ORDER:

  1. Everyone – and I mean EVERYONE paying their rent EVERY MONTH.
  2. ALL of the apartments in the entire complex being rented and occupied.

As a Property Manager there are a couple things that make you stand out from the rest of the property managers. And they are:

  1. Collecting all rent due(internally this means by the 20th of the month – externally to residents it means the 10th of the month).  This means you have to call the ones that don’t pay on time…and you threaten the SHIT out of them with evicting them if they don’t pay up by a certain day. It helps to have a bitch streak running through you – or a bastard streak…can’t leave out the gentlemen out there…
  2. Rent every single apartment in your complex.

I’m proud to say that I have accomplished this goal 3 months in a row…except this month – when SEVEN people jumped ship on me. Never fear…I am a MARKETING IDIOT SAVANT and have almost all of those seven rented already. BOOM.

RANT:

If that one inch piece of carpet that has come up underneath the built in window seat aaaaaaallllllllllllllllllllllll the way in the back against the wall  is such an embarrassment for you when your friends come over? Maybe I should show them pictures of how you left your last apartment when you transferred to the new one. Yeah…shut the hell up.

So, my maintenance guy thinks that he can just come and go whenever he wants to. Today – he thought it would be fun to take a couple hours for lunch – at first he was talking like he wasn’t coming back to work and I was all: Uh…so when I can I expect you back? He was all: Uh…couple hours. I was all: M’kay. That was at 1pm. It’s now 4:55pm. Someone is getting a RATION OF SHIT tomorrow. And it ain’t gonna be me. NOPE.

RANT:

That bitch who complained about her carpet? She tried to THREATEN me yesterday with GOING OVER MY HEAD…only little does she know, that I pretty much am an open book and I tell my boss EVERYTHING…even when I fuck up so bad I think I’m gonna get fired? He laughs and thinks I’m funny and tells me I’m a dork for worrying so much. So when she said that? I was all: M’kay…g’head…can’t wait to see how this ends…

So sent a text to my boss and I told him about the situation and his response? Oh – I usually just let people blab on and on and set the phone on the desk – or I’ll just delete the message.

I love him.

RANT:

PEOPLE ARE NOT PICKING UP AFTER THEIR DOGS AROUND HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It’s driving me BATSHIT CRAZY! Like, if anyone rents from me? I’m CRYSTAL CLEAR about the leash law around here and the fact that they have certain places to take their dogs and that THEY MUST PICK UP THE DOG SHIT. Absolutely NO excuses. NONE. $50 fine. I just posted nastygrams all over the complex and will be kicking some people out that can’t take care of their animals. I’m about to not allow dogs here anymore.

I was really hoping to give you some randomness today – but this turned out to be an Apartment Manager Tales post in its entirety. There’s always next time.

 

 

The Journey of Motherhood

This isn’t your typical “Sassy” post…

As I embark on a new phase of parenting my first born, I’m forced to look back at the job I’ve done as a mother and reflect.

My daughter is graduating High School in 44 days. And in 57 days, her father and I are sending her 1/2 way around the world with one of her friends for a 3 week European adventure.

Reflection #1: When I found out that I was pregnant with her, it was a shock. At first completely terrified. Then overjoyed. The 42 weeks I was pregnant with her were the most glorious days of my life. I enjoyed every moment. Those moments when I was in the bedroom putting my clothes on in the very first trimester and falling  back onto my bed because a wave of nausea had come over me…the never-ending craving for Taco Bell…until that fateful day my husband brought it home to me and I turned into the DEMON FROM HELL and threw a hissy-fit in the living room and declared, “I DON’T EVER WANT TO EAT TACO BELL EVER AGAIN! DO YOU HEAR ME?!?!”…when I had to move from my Drive-Thru Teller job at the bank to the teller at the window because my belly was in the way and I couldn’t push the drawer out to the cars anymore…to the day that my water trickled down my leg as I stood in the doctor’s office with my kindred spirit Missy, who had tagged along just to hear the baby’s heartbeat, only for me to bend down to pull up my socks and whammo! My water broke. To the 36 hours I was in labor and she finally was here to hold and kiss and snuggle, it was my job to keep her alive. It was my joy to care for her and see her many firsts.

When you reflect this way and you see a human beings life unfold in front of you, it’s very overwhelming to take in – she’s been my daughter OTW (outside the womb) for 6455 days. Which is 922 weeks and 1 day. That’s 17 years and 246 days, including 4 leap years*, or 17 years, 35 weeks and 1 day. In other words, that’s 212.1 months.

Reflection #2: When I was pregnant I sang NON-STOP. It should come as no surprise then, that by the age of 2, she had an affinity for music and was already vocally gifted. She sang TONS of songs – she called them “girl songs”. She wanted to hear girl songs and if a “boy song” came on, she would lose her SHIT. She would sing every word to every Martina McBride song you could play – whether she could pronounce the word properly or not – and hit most if not all of the notes. We were not phased then, when she began singing more and more as she grew into the pretty little girl that she became.

I remember that when she was 3, we took her to a Martina McBride show at a fairground one summer. We were standing about 3 people from the front of the stage. She was sitting on her Daddy’s shoulders and singing at the TOP OF HER LUNGS every single word. It had gotten to the point that the people around us were watching our little 3 year old singing every word than watching the superstar on the stage…it was a sign of what was yet to come.

Reflection #3: Middle School and finding out who her true friends really are as she transitions into her high school years are probably some of the hardest to deal with. The friends she have had all her life begin breaking away from the rules their parents set and new personalities form. Waters are tested. Friendships are challenged to the breaking point. It’s this time when she really came into her own. Thinking back on my life, I don’t remember going through these moments…but it’s clear that they were there. One moment, her best friend was over spending the night, the next moment that same best friend spread totally false accusations about her through school. Not being the kind of person to talk about her feelings, we found out what had happened only after a complete meltdown had occurred. The stresses of those relationships ending were hard for her, but she came out the other side the type of person that she was happiest being and has really settled into friendships that I’m sure she will have for a lifetime.

The agony of not being able to help your child through those transitions so that they can objectively look at the situation is probably one of the hardest. They are hurting so much, not only at the loss of a friendship, but the simple fact that things are being completely fabricated about your child and there really isn’t anything that they or you can do about it other than rise above it and eventually those people who thought one thing about her will see that it was untrue and they will see her for the amazingly caring, talented and compassionate person that she is and always has been.

Reflection #4: The end of her high school year is staring at us in the face. I struggle with letting go. I struggle with her changing her mind with her career path – yet in the same breath, want her to be unimaginably happy with everything that she chooses to do with her life. Trying to instill in her the fact that higher education is something that will certainly benefit her – while at the same time impressing upon her that I did not choose that path and in hindsight, wish I had – but her desire to take time off from school is a factor she is seriously entertaining. Realizing that this is her life. I cannot live it for her. That she needs to make her own mistakes and not just listen to the stories that I tell about the mistakes I’ve made. I have to remember that sometimes life is messy. Not everyone finds their life partner at the ripe old age of 19 and lives happily ever after like her father and I did. There will be relationships – grown up relationships. And those relationships will come and go. She will be hurt. She will recover. She will be made stronger by the wise and not-so-wise decisions she makes. We will be there to help her if she falls. It’s a difficult pill for a parent to swallow.

We’ve raised a beautiful young woman. She is intelligent. She is gracious and humble, but at the same time is strong in her convictions and has a self-love that I wish I had at that age, and if truth be told, wish I had now. She’s extremely talented and very caring. If the measure of Motherhood is based off of the reflection in your children’s eyes when they look at you, then I’d have to say that I’ve done well. It’s time for her to spread her wings and experience life. This will be the truest test of parenthood yet. Letting go.

Sassyland – COME JOIN THE PITY PARTY!!!!!

Hiya Folks!

Whenever I start a blog post after I’ve not posted something for awhile, I feel like I’m going to confession.

Forgive me readers, for I have sinned. It’s been 2 months since my last blog entry.

I don’t actually know when the last time is that I blogged. I mean…it’d be pretty easy to tell, but I’m too fucking lazy to look up my latest post and also? Meh…I don’t really care. I have a head-splitting migraine at the moment and all I want to do is close my eyes and sleep.

The last 3 weeks and 3 days have sucked all of the joy out of my life. My back has decided to be a complete fucktard and I have been going to the Chiropractor once a week since this started. I went yesterday – but I was practically shitting my pants with fear about it because the week before, he did so much “adjusting” that I was WRECKED for 6 1/2 days and I was terrified to go through it again. Like, I cried and everything – THREE TIMES! I basically felt like I had been hit by a car. It’s not really shitty chiropractor work either…I love my chiro. He’s rad…and? His name is Dr. Odd. How fucking awesome is that?! Dr. Odd. – the only thing that could be *more* poetic about it is if he were a shrink instead of a chiropractor.

So…I’m slowly improving, but for about 2 solid weeks I suffered from back spasms and I don’t ever recall having them to this degree before. It was horrific. I consider myself a pretty tough broad, but there was moaning going on here, people. MOANING. I moaned. In pain. I don’t even think I moaned when I have birth. EITHER TIME.

Yesterday when I went in to see Dr. O again…he came in and told me to lay on the table and I was all…”Not so fast, mister. I’ve got a bone to pick with you!” I joke around a lot with my doctors. They appreciate it. I think. So I explained that I had a hard time last time and knew when I was driving home that something wasn’t right and that I was going to feel the adverse affects of that last adjustment because things were just…different. After I told him this he, of course, felt badly that I had a rough go of it and took it easy on me. Thank GOD. Today, my back is feeling much better…less achey, AND I’ve barely had ANY spasms over the last 3 days! GO ME!

Time for something a little more awesome:

My oldest daughter is about to graduate high school. How in the hell did that happen? I just brought her home from the hospital YESTERDAY! And…her father and I have decided that we will be sending her to Europe for 3 weeks. Very exciting stuff. Her uncle lives in Germany and will be showing her and a good friend of hers around all over the place. I think that so far there are 6 countries on the list. Possibly 7. My husband and I have never been…but before her uncle moves back to the states, we figured we should probably send SOMEONE over there and it just so happens that her graduating is happening at the perfect time.

MY BABY IS ALL GROWN UP! (pull it together Sass…PULL IT TOGETHER!)